DISQUS

Medic7 · 4 months ago

AD, once again you nailed it.


...and BTW, I plan on answering all radio calls with "Gourd Head" from now on.

the Ambulance Driver · 4 months ago

Awesome shift AD! Makes me actually miss my 911 days. If I had a dollar for every seizure call was wasn't. Familiar with Tenishia Syndrome...? can't go into too much detail here, don't want to offend. Drop me an email and I will go into further detail.

Carteach0 · 4 months ago

AD, you had me hanging on every word. The ice melted in my bourbon and now it's watered and useless, but it was worth every moment.

Peri1020 · 4 months ago

Once again, AD, you had me laughing out loud. I'll remember this fondly tomorrow while I'm sitting behind my desk for 8 hours with nothing to do but stare out the window.

40lizard · 4 months ago

God help me if I ever make it onto a truck for real! I can already see it coming!


Enjoyed this immensely!

ranamacar · 4 months ago

We use "Goat Head" instead of "Gourd Head"- might be a regional difference, since we're in the North Central US.
Got the same type of dispatchers, though.



ranamacae

Old NFO · 4 months ago

Good one AD! One of the better posts, and yeah, seizures are a 'dime a dozen' when things aren't going right for people... sigh...

peedee · 4 months ago

"It's a NASCAR ambulance, Ma'am," I explain. "It only turns left."


Rightous!!! LMAO.



Great post, really enjoyed it.

The Flying Monkey · 4 months ago

We've only been in the air for 10 minutes and our "status seizure" mission is driving me bat shit. There's nothing like packing a 300 pound drunk woman into a helicopter smaller than a VW bug with three crew members and too much equipment. But we've done it. Not being offered the option of refusal at scene, if the ground ALS demands a bird to transport, they get one, no questions asked, no matter how BS everyone knows. So here we are, flying in the dark with Shamu flopping around like the fish she is all the while Teabag (my partner who doesn't wear underwear) is trying to keep her from flopping into the flight controls.
"Somebody needs to do something with her, she's getting me all nervous with her hands getting that close to the collective."

That was Goon, the pilot. He's a no BS kind of guy who was a Blackwater merc until his wife made him not be. With more kills than Anthrax, he's not the kind of guy who you want nervous while you're around.

"I got this", I key over the intercom. I raise the boom of my mic so I don't blow everyones ears out their nose.

"You need to knock your shit off. You're going to the hospital. Your fake seizures aren't going to get you there any faster and they're not going to get you taken home. Enjoy the helicopter ride."

With perfect clarity my response is "They're not fake." And the now confirmed seizures resume.

"Well that didn't work, I lament over the com. "Lets try something else. Hard left then a hard right".

I can't see Goon's face but I know he's smiling. I wonder how many pilots saw that grin just before their doom? "You got it, bro," is his reply.

The ship lurches to the left and then snaps violently to the right. We know it's coming and compensate. Shamu on the other hand has no idea what's going on and starts to yelp. Well, yelp briefly because once the left roll is compensated for by the right snap her head banks with a satisfying thud against the plexi window.

"See what you made happen? You hit the steering stick with your flopping. Now knock it off." That was Teabag in his most convincing "you almost killed us all" voice.

"Wow, now I can say I've flown a helicopter." Is her reply, sans flopping.

Softly, boom up, I can hear Goon. He's giggling.

AC · 4 months ago

You know what pisses me off? My daughter has epilepsy for real. I've called the ambulance for her twice. Her first seizure and for one that seemed to last forever and she turned blue. Now I know why the 911 operator jacked me around so long before she would send someone out.
This is the real health care crisis in America

NJ Public Servant · 4 months ago

@AC: Not for nothing, because I don't know the full story surrounding your situation ... But I know that in my area, the 911 call-taker will try to keep the caller on the line for as long as possible, asking as many questions as they can (and sometimes repeatedly) to try to get as much information as possible, even though they actually dispatch the emergency crews almost immediately. However, I can agree with your overall opinion that entirely too many people call 911 for BS reasons.


@AD: Yet another great post. Definitely kept my attention and allowed me to pass quite a bit of time. As a rookie EMT, I can definitely share some of the feelings from RP that you describe.

Ambulance Driver · 4 months ago

AC, the 911 operator usually keeps you on the line to get more information for the responding crews.


Likely as not, those crews are already on their way to you long before the 911 operator lets you hang up.



They run through a set of scripted cards with the appropriate questions printed on them. The theory is that the questions help determine the exact nature of the emergency and thus help the 911 operator dispatch the appropriate resources.



It's a matter of some debate as to whether those dispatch protocols actually accomplish that goal, but rarely if ever are the resources held up until they've finished the script. They usually send them as soon as they know the address.

murse c · 4 months ago

Nice read. Being a nurse and having recently completed my basic, I am fired up that the local JC is considering a bridge for nurse to paramedic and I think paramedics are too much under appreciated by RN's and docs. Riding in the back of a rig makes you appreciate all the BS that you field guys have to put up with so it really pisses me off to see RN's belittle field medics. I unfortunately saw it from other nurses in a different hospital than the one I work in. None of them knew I was an RN while I completed my rotations as a basic. I am thinking if they (RN's that have never worked in the field in emergency medicine) could get past their academic snobbery they might have a much more enlightened look on what the real world is like. Nurses need to learn what it's like to do CPR in the dirt instead of from a table waist up. It really opens your eyes. Keep up the good reads.

murse c · 4 months ago

And I hope AC realizes why their calls are deleyed. It wastes precious time and money responding to all those nimrods crying wolf. The abuse of the system is preposterous but that's nothing new since EMTALA came into effect.

crs224akameema · 4 months ago

Just went thru two incidents of a guy working for me having seizures - legitimate ones, but he is fine once they are done. Now in the process of telling people what to do when he has one, if his meds change doesn't stop them, and it does not include calling 911 unless he is actually injured, or doesn't start to come around within a few minutes.
Seizures (noun): definition: a word to cover any otherwise unknown real or self-induced behavior that those around the alleged patient don't want to deal with.

Matt M · 4 months ago

A great read. Thanks for dealing with the fools, and helping the ones who really need help, AD.

NHMomma · 4 months ago

A great read! What a shift! Makes me miss the urban life, where we were a free taxi.


Thanks for the laughs!



Tin foil!

Anonymous · 4 months ago

At least you didn't have to deal with someone who siezed after having work done at 'Cycles and More'.
(Gotta keep your ranking up there, ya know?)



Inchworm

Jumblerant · 4 months ago

AD: Thanks for the great blog, really lifted my day. And FYI, the long blog looks really good in Google Reader, especially after all those 2 liner bloggings out there.


And I guess I should mention 'Cycles & More' for the rankings. And whilst I'm at it, I guess you're going to be Google Numero 1 for 'Gourd Head' too. Yes, 'Gourd Head'.



I did mention 'Gourd Head' didn't I?

ktzf · 4 months ago

Ok, so maybe being a more upstanding member of society, I don't get it. AD, if you could explain to me:


1. Why somone would fake a seizure in the first place.



2. Post fake seizure, why would they refuse to go to the hospital?



Don't make much sense to me...

Ambulance Driver · 4 months ago

1. Because they're attention-seeking idiots.


2. Because even though they're attention seeking idiots, they're still not very good fakers.



Actually, most of the fakers do want to go to the hospital. On this particular night, they didn't.

Crucis · 4 months ago

Nice post, AD. I've missed these.

threadbndr · 4 months ago

Heya, AD - W, my late husband had the real deal - complex even (both grand and pet mal). It took us a couple of days (and the first witnessed grand mal) to figure out what the hades was going on and get him on meds.


The fakers make me ill, since the real thing is no fun.

911 and the Randomness.. · 4 months ago

I loved this post! Even being a dispatcher, (who is not a goldfish) and my medics will be using tin-foil and gourd head also..

Ambulance Driver · 4 months ago

911, you must be one of those competent and professional dispatchers who possesses common sense and looks after their crews.


I've always believed they existed, but suspected they just worked a different shift than mine.

reflectoscope · 4 months ago

I'm again impressed with your ability to write so that the reader can get a vivid sense of what it is like to be there with feet on the ground.


Jim

Zdogk9 · 4 months ago

Ya ever get RP's mother's phone #?

Anonymous · 4 months ago

AD, my wife hates you. I keep interrupting her with my laughing while she's trying to watch some inane TV show. Thanks... ;-)


BTW, in the Chair Force, our response to a call from base CP was "Say again Command Post, you're coming in garbled and stupid"



I'm too chicken to try "Gourd Head" with our Fire Board. There's too few people on the air, and ours DOES pay attention.

Tom · 4 months ago

You have a flare for writing. I love the waspish comments and funny observations.


Simply excellent.

911 and the Randomness.. · 4 months ago

I like to think so. Even if I'm not, my parnter kicks butt. So at least 1 exists.. We just aren't in your state. :)

TOTWTYTR · 4 months ago

"RP obediently relays the message, receiving a bewildered "Unit calling?" in reply."


They must teach them that at dispatcher school. We have one that says, "That last eunuch...?"



Which is why I never answer here.



"At that, Frank smiles defiantly and holds out his hands for the cuffs. "Bring it on, motherfucker," he challenges"



As the cops around here say, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."



One of my partners once observed that if they could put bullshit filters on the 9-1-1 phones, we'd be down to two calls a shift. System wide.

Linda · 4 months ago

Great post AD.

medicblog999 · 4 months ago

A 9000 word blog post!!!!


Great reading, you had me hooked from the get go.



I always remember my first "fake" seizure. I asked my partner what was going on, is that a fit??



"No son, thats not a fit, hes just being a very naughty boy!!"



Classic

TOTWTYTR · 4 months ago

Then there was the time the guy woke up from his "I want to be seen faster" seizure in the ER waiting room. Only to see us all standing around holding up index cards with his scores on them. He might have won, but for the damned East German judge giving him a low score.

Jon · 4 months ago

I have to ask: Will you have to adopt RP?

Stace · 4 months ago

That's awesome! Just randomly stumbled across your blog. Unusual to find both quality content and writing talent online, and you've got both :)